i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
