11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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