somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
