I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
