I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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