did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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