She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
