I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
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Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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