we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There are leaves in my underwear?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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