I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
