Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
