I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
