Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
