Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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