I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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