i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
