I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
