We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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