I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
