youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
