My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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