census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
