Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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