Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
