Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
