I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
