Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize