Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
