You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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