I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We don't watch enough power rangers
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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