I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
