Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
