I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize