a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
