Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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