Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
