a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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