This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
