There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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