I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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