I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
