White coat. Heels.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
