i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
