Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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