Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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