A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
