True but thats because hes a fetus.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
