you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
