my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
