When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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