After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
