she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
