youre lurking in front of me
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
