The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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