I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
