If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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