you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
