Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
