I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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