Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
