Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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