just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
