he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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