I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
