I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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