just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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