Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
