My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
