I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
