I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
