So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
